How to Manage Friends at Work
By VICKY BROWN
I am over the moon! I just hired Samantha – one of my best friends. It’s gonna be GREAT! Um, won’t it?
Yeah, once you have a chance to let the ‘I hired my best friend’ idea settle in – it might not sound so hunky dory. You’re going to need some pointers on how to manage friends at work. And by ‘friend at work’ I don’t mean the colleague-turned-coffee buddy. No, I’m talking about your outside-the-office, movie night pal who, for some reason or another, now finds themselves clocking in under your leadership.
Listen, I’ve walked this path and let me tell you, it’s not easy. And in almost every circumstance, you can count on the relationship suffering. That’s because moving from being on equal footing as a friend, to the unequal footing of leader/employee – well, that’s a huge shift. And it makes for an environment where it is amazingly easy for people to get their feelers hurt.
As the leader, your priority has to be the health and survival of the organization. Oh, I don’t mean leaders shouldn’t care about the people on the team – but your number one priority has to be to keep the organization successful. After all – that’s how we all eat.
And yes, part of that is being invested in the health and wellness of your team members – because let me tell you, without them, the organization is nothing. But in the immortal words of Mr. Spock – you cannot sacrifice the many for the one.
Now I know some (maybe many) people are going to have a reaction to what I just said – so please understand, that is my opinion, based on my knowledge and experience. And I am certainly aware that not every situation is the same, so if you’re facing a situation where none of this applies – then I say “congratulations” to you. Keep fighting the good fight.
But for the rest of you – you might want to stay tuned.
The cornerstone of any relationship is communication. And this relationship is no different.
Imagine you and your friend have this amazing rapport. You finish each other’s sentences, know each other’s coffee orders, and can communicate an entire conversation through just one glance. Now, you’re in a work setting, and suddenly, you feel this urge to cushion your feedback or perhaps even avoid conversations that could be tricky. But here’s where you have to step up and do the darn thing.
Communicate early and often. In fact, I think it’s a good idea to have an honest chat before your friend even becomes part of the team. Talk about how the dynamics of the relationship will surely change – and how you both are going to handle that. No, it won’t be the most pleasant conversation you ever had, but clear, honest communication trumps comfort. Even if it’s a bit uncomfortable or might ruffle some feathers, it’s paramount that you articulate your expectations, concerns, and feedback openly. Why? Because ambiguity can fester – and that only leads to confusion and misplaced expectations.
Don’t sidestep or sugarcoat things. Listen, I get it. It’s tempting to wrap feedback in layers of softness, especially when talking to a friend. But sugarcoating can dilute the message. It’s not about being harsh, but rather being direct and constructive. Your friend, more than anyone, should be able to handle honesty. Remember, it’s all about the betterment of the company and the growth of the team.
Set clear boundaries. Sharing weekend plans or discussing the latest binge-worthy series – that’s for your personal lane. But when Monday rolls around and it’s time to discuss quarterly targets, project delays, or performance feedback? That’s squarely in the professional lane. Boundaries ensure that these discussions remain where they should, without spillover that could muddle the clarity and objectivity you need in a work setting.
It’s more than just keeping topics separate. It’s about establishing an understanding that, in the office, certain protocols need to be respected for the organization to function well. This means there might be times when you have to make a call your friend disagrees with or offer feedback they might find tough to swallow. Setting boundaries early on ensures that they understand these decisions are made with the hat of a leader, not a friend.
And it’s not enough to just set these boundaries; consistency in upholding them is critical. Mixed signals can lead to confusion, and that’s a slippery slope. One day you’re casually discussing a work project at a BBQ, and the next, you might find it challenging to address an underperformance issue. By consistently respecting the boundaries, you set a precedent for how professional interactions are going to take place.
In essence, while the bond of friendship is special and cherished, the dynamics at work have their own set of rules. So, ensure that bridge between personal and professional has well-defined lanes. Because when boundaries are clear and respected – well, it just makes things a lot easier
“… in the immortal words of Mr. Spock – you cannot sacrifice the many for the one.“
You have to remember and maintain your professionalism. Blending personal fun with work chatter won’t yield the best outcome. Think about those casual after-work gatherings. They’re a brilliant space to unwind, share a laugh, and reinforce team camaraderie. But, there’s a caveat. When the conversation starts veering towards work gossip or office politics, especially with a friend who now works under you, it’s time to steer the ship back to neutral waters.
Discussing sensitive office subjects outside of work can blur the lines of your professional relationship. Today, it’s a light chat about a colleague’s quirky habits. Tomorrow, it could be a serious discussion about strategic decisions or team dynamics. And if that chat isn’t kept in the right context, misinterpretations can arise. These subtle shifts might not seem impactful right away, but over time, they can lead to biases, mistrust, or even favoritism, throwing your leadership into question.
As a leader, you’re often in the driver’s seat of these types of conversations. So, the responsibility lies with you to set the tone. And don’t forget your role in enhancing, not tearing down the culture of the team. And if that doesn’t make you sit up and take notice – remember that in certain circumstances, you, as a manager, may end up being legally liable if someone feels they’re being singled out, or discriminated against. So, if you sense that boundaries are teetering on the edge in a discussion, gently guide the conversation away from potential pitfalls. It not only protects your leadership credibility but also ensures your friendship remains untarnished by work dynamics.
For better or for worse – optics matter. Okay, let’s get real here. You’ve got your buddy on the team, and sure, you two go way back. But in the workplace, it’s game time, and everyone has to play by the same rules. Remember, it’s not just about the actual game but how it looks from the bleachers.
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For example, let’s say you gave your friend a challenging project or a cool opportunity. In your mind, it’s because they’ve got the skills. But what’s the office chatter saying? It’s easy for whispers of favoritism to start, even if that wasn’t your intention. And once that ball gets rolling, it’s a challenge to stop it.
When the team thinks there’s a “teacher’s pet” situation going on, well that’s Kryptonite for morale. They might start questioning every decision, wondering if it’s about skills or just old school ties. You want a motivated team? Well, they have to believe the game’s fair.
Whether it’s a pat on the back, a bonus, or some constructive feedback, make sure it’s all about the work and nothing else. Your friend scored a win? Awesome! Celebrate that. They fumbled a bit? A chat might be in order. Just make sure you’d do the same for anyone else in their shoes. In a nutshell: play fair, and make sure your team sees it that way. Because when everyone knows they’re on an even playing field, you’ve got a team that’s all-in.
Understanding confidentiality is key. Listen, just because someone’s been with you since those embarrassing high school moments, that doesn’t mean they get a backstage pass to all the work secrets. It’s all fun and games until sensitive info slips out, and then, well… it’s not.
It’s not about being stingy with info. But it is about keeping the integrity of your leadership role. Even if your buddy’s trustworthy, not everything is on a need-to-know basis. And remember, the more people that know something, the harder it is to keep under wraps. And besides, as a leader, it’s your responsibility to hold sensitive information confidential. Because if you don’t then how can you be trusted? And many times, the fallout from leaking information can be far worse than you imagined.
What, you swore your friend to secrecy? Well, remember what Mark Twain said “Two people can keep a secret – if one of them is dead”
Managing friends at work, especially those who report to you, requires a delicate balance of professionalism, communication, and respect for boundaries. While the ideal scenario might be to avoid this type of situation altogether (which, by the way – is my recommendation), if you’re already in it, these tips will help you get through. Remember, always prioritize the organization’s health, the team’s morale, and the clarity of your professional relationship. The right balance is tricky, but not impossible.